{"id":39147,"date":"2015-12-10T18:20:46","date_gmt":"2015-12-10T23:20:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=39147"},"modified":"2015-12-10T18:20:46","modified_gmt":"2015-12-10T23:20:46","slug":"a-daily-practice-to-strengthen-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/ro\/journal\/a-daily-practice-to-strengthen-your-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"A Daily Practice to Strengthen Your Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

This piece is from our partners\u00a0at Sonima. Find more like it\u00a0here<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I like to think that my partner and I do a decent job of staying connected, despite a combined workweek of close to 100 hours, a teenager who requires near-constant chauffeuring far and wide, and the fact that dirty dishes seem to accumulate in our kitchen sink of their own accord, like bunnies reproducing. But I do notice that, when we go a week or two (or three, when it gets really bad) without a solid block of time together, everyday annoyances become more aggravating, and those little peeves, left unresolved, can grow into bigger ones.<\/p>\n

We give ourselves permission (and props) for prioritizing yoga, meditation, creative expression, prayer<\/a>, therapy\u2014or whatever forms our personal quest for spiritual connection<\/a> and self-knowledge might take. And we understand that most of those practices don\u2019t have much impact when we do them in three- or four-hour blocks of time once in a long while; the key, as we\u2019ve all heard, is creating a regular routine, building these experiences into your days and weeks in ongoing, sustainable ways.<\/p>\n

What if we treated our romantic relationships like a yoga or meditation practice\u2014setting aside some time every day, or every couple of days, to nurture that living entity that we\u2019ve created with our significant other, instead of waiting for a monthly date night or an annual vacation, or even just for the weekend? If only five minutes of yoga or meditation a day can make us feel better, could five minutes of connecting with our partner daily make our relationship better?<\/p>\n

John Grey, Ph.D. (not to be confused with the John Gray of Mars and Venus<\/i> fame) and Susan Campbell, Ph.D.<\/a>,\u00a0coauthors of the new book, Five-Minute Relationship Repair<\/i>, believe regular relationship maintenance is the way to go. \u201cThe most powerful things we can do every day to keep a relationship filled with love and shared joy are small,\u201d Grey says. \u201cKnowing that and doing these things is what happy couples instinctively do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grey and Campbell offered these six practices for cultivating a happy, healthy relationship:<\/p>\n

1. Align your nervous systems.
\n<\/b><\/h3>\n

One of the easiest and quickest relationship fixes might have the greatest benefits, from the neuroscientific and physiological points of view. Body-to-body contact, for as few as three to five minutes, produces what\u2019s known as \u201cco-regulation\u201d or \u201cinteractive regulation\u201d between two people\u2014a state in which your nervous systems are aligned and relaxed, your brains are regulated, your energy is recharged, and you feel a sense of deep, body-based connection. In other words, a long hug with your partner can have many of the same positive effects as yoga, meditation, or pranayama<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very similar to yoga in that you\u2019re using the body first to change the state of your mind and heart,\u201d Grey says. \u201cOur body-based, nervous system states are what drive our emotional and psychological states. So physical, supportive touch can be far more powerful than trying to discuss and resolve an issue with words.\u201d (He cites a functional MRI study<\/a>\u00a0by University of Virginia researcher James Coan that emphasizes the mind-body-relationship connection: 16 happily married women subjected to mild electric shocks showed much less threat-related brain activity when their husbands were holding their hands, as opposed to when they were holding the hand of a male stranger, or no hand at all.) Practice co-regulating by hugging, holding each other, or spooning for several focused moments, four or five times a day.<\/p>\n

2. Look into each other\u2019s eyes.<\/h3>\n

Sit facing each other in a comfortable position, take a moment to get centered, and then spend about five minutes or so simply gazing into each other\u2019s eyes. \u201cThis practice can tune you into a much deeper level of your partner,\u201d Campbell says. \u201cYou come to see the other person as a being that is bigger than just their personality, and vice versa.\u201d (And remember to keep your eyes on each other when you\u2019re fighting, too; Grey says that helps prevent the brain from going into fight\/flight\/freeze mode.)<\/p>\n

3. Clear the air daily.
\n<\/b><\/h3>\n

Start by creating a sacred space, perhaps lighting a candle<\/a> or designating a particular location for the practice. Then share anything that triggered you since your last check-in\u2014that is, any incident, however small, that brought up what Grey and Campbell refer to as your \u201ccore fears,\u201d your deepest underlying vulnerabilities<\/a> and insecurities, whose source often dates back to childhood.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven in the best relationships, people are out of sync sometimes, with different opinions and needs,\u201d Grey says. \u201cI recommend you sweat the small stuff\u2014it\u2019s a lot easier to work with than the big stuff.\u201d He likens it to stopping to shake a pebble out of your shoe, instead of forging on and ignoring the discomfort until the pebble grows into an intolerable boulder. Even if not much is going on, checking in regularly reinvigorates your sense of connection, he says. And it will, with any luck, culminate in an exchange of affirming, positive statements about each other and your relationship.<\/p>\n

4. Share positive emotions and experiences.<\/h3>\n

Make a point of going to your favorite spot to see the sun set, or watching the kids\u2019 soccer game\u2014anything you both love to do\u2014and be aware of connecting with each other while you\u2019re doing it, holding hands and appreciating each other’s enjoyment.<\/p>\n

5. Flip the script.<\/h3>\n

Every time you find yourself complaining, see if you can change your complaint into a want. So, for example, Campbell explains, instead of saying, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we ever go out?,\u201d tell your partner you\u2019d love a night on the town. If your partner is the one kvetching, Campbell suggests this gentle response: \u201cHoney, is there a want under that?\u201d<\/p>\n

6. When necessary, repair the rifts.<\/h3>\n

In their book, Grey and Campbell offer a step-by-step guide, including a fill-in-the-blank script, for cutting straight to the chase to resolve a conflict. In a nutshell, it involves copping to the core fears that have been triggered by your partner\u2019s actions and reframing your reaction, using the words you wish you\u2019d been able to say in the heat of the moment. You might have to do this every day if you\u2019re in a relationship crisis, or once in a while if you\u2019ve been keeping up with your daily practices. \u201cIn real estate, it\u2019s location, location, location; in relationships, it\u2019s repair, repair, repair,\u201d Grey says.<\/p>\n

As with a yoga or meditation practice, treating your relationship as a practice takes conscious commitment, discipline, and effort\u2014particularly if you and your partner are working to rebuild your relationship after a challenging or distant period. Stay with it. \u201cIn my hatha yoga practice, if I\u2019m holding a pose and there\u2019s an uncomfortable moment, I don\u2019t jam myself through it,\u201d Campbell says. \u201cI feel into the discomfort without resisting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some of the practices she and Grey suggest might make you feel self-conscious or silly; as a Gen X\u2019er, I have an inherent resistance to anything that seems contrived or cheesy. But Campbell stresses that \u201cyou can\u2019t solve the problem on the level of the problem\u201d; using a script or a prescribed practice helps you break out of your usual patterns of thought and communication. Remember, downward dog didn\u2019t feel natural the first time you did it. And, even if you\u2019ve flowed through thousands of vinyasas or spent hundreds of hours meditating, there\u2019s always something new to discover when you bring awareness to the practice.<\/p>\n

This piece was originally written by\u00a0Tresca Weinstein<\/a> for Sonima.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This story was originally published on Sonima.com. If you enjoyed this story, check out these other articles:\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

A Partner Yoga Sequence for Love<\/a>
\nThe New Sleep Schedule for a Better Night\u2019s Rest<\/a>
\nHow Meditation Can Help You Date Authentically<\/a><\/p>\n

\"sonima-logo\"<\/a>Sonima.com<\/a>\u00a0is a new wellness website dedicated to helping people improve their lives through yoga, workouts, guided meditations, healthy recipes, pain prevention techniques, and life advice. Our balanced approach to wellness integrates traditional wisdom and modern insights to support vibrant and meaningful living.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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