{"id":123207,"date":"2019-05-09T11:25:23","date_gmt":"2019-05-09T15:25:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=123207\/"},"modified":"2019-09-09T16:49:18","modified_gmt":"2019-09-09T20:49:18","slug":"ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/ro\/journal\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\/","title":{"rendered":"In Dating, Friends, and Life&#8230; Don\u2019t Be Afraid To Ask For What You Want"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>In a world of too many app choices, keep it simple.\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/bumble.com\/wanderlust\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Bumble<\/a>\u00a0allows women to make the first move\u2014so you can filter out conversations you may not want to have. Not interested in a romantic relationship? Try\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/bumble.com\/wanderlust\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Bumble BFF<\/a>!\u00a0Whether you\u2019re new to a city or looking to expand your social circle, Bumble BFF is a simplified way to create meaningful friendships.\u00a0As our lives evolve, so does our need for authentic friendships. Bumble BFF makes it easy to build a supportive community around you\u2014no matter where or who you are. Download\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/itunes.apple.com\/us\/app\/bumble-meet-new-people\/id930441707?mt=8\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">here for iPhone<\/a> and\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/play.google.com\/store\/apps\/details?id=com.bumble.app&amp;hl=en_US\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">here for Android<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>One of the scariest things for many people to do\u2014when dating, but also in general\u2014is to ask for what they want. Why is it that we may feel something so deeply, and yet not voice our true feelings? Some of us may find it difficult to define or defend what it is we need. Others may feel that voicing desires may scare others away, make us seem needy, or compromise the power we feel from seeming as though we are OK&#8230; Even if we aren\u2019t. Part of being in a partnership is to come with a fully formed (or forming) vision of self. Own it. Knowing what you want and how to ask for it, kindly, is how you attract the kind of partnership that <a href=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/journal\/mindful-dating-with-sex-coach-cara-kovacs\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">can truly fulfill your needs<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>But What Do You Really Want?<\/h3>\n<p>What you want can look any variety of ways. It could mean that you\u2019ve learned over time that monogamy makes you feel anxious, boxed in and resentful of a partner. Therefore, setting a clear boundary that expresses your desire to honor and appreciate a partner, but not necessarily commit exclusively to them is an integral step to take in creating your ideal relationship. The same could be said for a lot of other kinds of boundary-setting. If you are someone who has an anxious attachment style, asking\u2014compassionately\u2014for reassurance before you feel triggered will help keep the <a href=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/journal\/heart-communication\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">communication<\/a> in your relationship productive, as opposed to a byproduct of your own deep fears.<\/p>\n<p>In both of the aforementioned examples, as well as to any way you may personally relate to resistance around asking for what you want, you may be feeling like exposing that truth would compromise the partnership you are building. You may think that discussing polyamory, or revealing an emotional need for reassurance, will send a potential partner running for the hills. It might. But let\u2019s imagine the alternative.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Example #1: The Unhappy Monogamist\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In the first example, you build what feels like a beautiful partnership. You have fun, share emotionally, enjoy intimacy. Over time, you begin to feel the inner urge to explore other partners. You still feel committed to this person, but you can\u2019t help but feel like your commitment is in some way holding you back from your real truth. Now you find yourself thinking about cheating and feeling guilty about it, which changes how you show up in partnership. All of this could have been mitigated by an honest conversation about your true nature at an earlier stage in the relationship. when the other person had agency to set a boundary around their own openness to this type of situation. By waiting you greatly deepen the chance of hurting both yourself and your partner.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Example #2: The Emotional Martyr\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In the second example, you continually push your anxiety in partnership under the rug. You are determined not to seem needy or overly-emotional. Since your partner does not know your expectations around communication, they communicate openly but less often than would be your preference. You find yourself stressing out constantly when they are out and unresponsive. You get judgmental, hypercritical, and obsessive whenever you feel like you don\u2019t have control. While, yes, this is a place where working on yourself and how you hold your own emotions in integrity in the <a href=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/journal\/a-daily-practice-to-strengthen-your-relationship\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">relationship<\/a> would be majorly beneficial, you cannot really do so without being honest with your partner.<\/p>\n<h3>Finding Clarity Around Personal Needs<\/h3>\n<p>So how do we be open and honest in our partnerships? It starts with getting clear on what your needs are. Make a list of times you have been triggered in past relationships. Do you notice any patterns around a space you might have needed to set a boundary but didn\u2019t? What instances have you wanted to ask for something and stopped yourself? Can you feel into why? Doing this kind of self analysis will help you get really good at asking for what you want. It will also help highlight for you some parts of yourself that may benefit from specific things in relationships, from asking for reassurance and exploring polyamory, to having specific needs about time alone or conflict styles that trigger you.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>How do we be open and honest in our partnerships? It starts with getting clear on what your needs are.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>When actually going to your partner(s) or potential partner to ask for what you need it can be helpful to take any accusation or generalization out of the conversation. Instead of saying \u201cYou never text me back,\u201d or \u201cI feel inhibited by your neediness,\u201d you can take a tip straight from vulnerability expert <a href=\"https:\/\/brenebrown.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Brene Brown<\/a> and preface your need with, \u201cThe story I am telling myself is\u2026\u201d followed by the truth beneath your request. For example, \u201cThe story I am telling myself when you do not text me back is that you either don\u2019t care about me or are in bed with that girl who is on your softball team.\u201d Your partner then has the opportunity to respond with, \u201cWell that\u2019s a crazy story. How can we rewrite it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>By making the story that the triggering behavior provokes in you the issue, your partner is less likely to feel accused of something (ie. \u201cAre you hooking up with that girl from your softball team?\u201d) And you have more flexibility with naming the deeper issue beneath your need for whatever it is you want without feeling like you are being unreasonable or needy. You are no longer blaming, you are asking your partner to help you work through a story.<\/p>\n<h3>The Storytelling Strategy<\/h3>\n<p>This strategy can be enormously helpful in asking for what you want in your relationship. Everything from, \u201cThe story I am telling myself when you do not make the dishes is that you do not respect me,\u201d to \u201cThe story I am telling myself is you care more about work than our relationship,\u201d can be helped with this strategy. It may not be a cure-all, but it will certainly open the door to resolution and communication. It is worth reiterating that mindful dating and relationships means finding solace in having your needs respected by your chosen mate. They may not be able to meet them, but at least you know. Instead of building resentment and anxiety around a relationship that is not in alignment with your deepest truth, you have expanded your capacity to create that with vulnerability and honesty.<\/p>\n<p>Next time you are feeling triggered, feel into where it comes from and try this strategy out. Shifting your fear of asking for what you need will open up a world of doors for you and any partner you find worthy of your time once you start asking for what you want.<\/p>\n<p>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><em><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-full wp-image-118981\" src=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Screen-Shot-2019-01-31-at-1.36.24-PM.png\" alt=\"author bio photo\" width=\"200\" height=\"250\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.carakovacs.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Cara Kovacs<\/a>\u00a0is a third generation healer, second generation oracle, and Sex, Love &amp; Relationship expert trained by Layla Martin. Named as 2019\u2019s one of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/journal\/35-under-35-wellness-to-watch\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">35 People Under 35 To Watch In Wellness<\/a>\u201d by Wanderlust, she combines modern science with ancient healing and spiritual philosophy to help bring people to truth through love. Past featured events have included Bustle Rulebreakers ft. Janelle Monae &amp; The Big Quiet, Lollapalooza, Austin City Limits, Wanderlust Festival, partnerships with Employees Only, Root Mamma, Salt Witch Studios, Soho House, Freehand Hotels, LadyBoss Social Club, Alchemist Kitchen, and more. She is an official card reader for The Poetry Society of New York and has been featured in Time Out, Cosmopolitan, Bustle, and Elite Daily.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sex coach Cara Kovacs explains why asking for what you want is anything but selfish, and offers tips on how to do it. Learn from her at Wanderlust Snowshoe! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2831,"featured_media":123211,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3190],"tags":[3712,2659,912],"class_list":["post-123207","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stretch","tag-cara-kovacs","tag-dating","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v18.0 (Yoast SEO v27.6) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>In Dating, Friends, and Life... Don\u2019t Be Afraid To Ask For What You Want<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sex coach Cara Kovacs explains why asking for what you want is anything but selfish, and offers tips on how to do it. 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Learn from her at Wanderlust Snowshoe!\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/journal\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wanderlust\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/facebook.com\/wanderlust\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-05-09T15:25:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-09-09T20:49:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/matheus-ferrero-320901-unsplash.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1866\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Cara Kovacs\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Scris de\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Cara Kovacs\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Timp estimat pentru citire\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minute\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Cara Kovacs\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/fa3ef122f45eec1de47c3a9e53ba7d3a\"},\"headline\":\"In Dating, Friends, and Life&#8230; Don\u2019t Be Afraid To Ask For What You Want\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-05-09T15:25:23+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-09-09T20:49:18+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":1364,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2019\\\/05\\\/matheus-ferrero-320901-unsplash.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Cara Kovacs\",\"dating\",\"relationships\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Stretch\"],\"inLanguage\":\"ro-RO\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/wanderlust.com\\\/journal\\\/ask-for-what-you-want-cara-kovacs\\\/\",\"name\":\"In Dating, Friends, and Life... 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