{"id":29531,"date":"2015-07-24T18:35:02","date_gmt":"2015-07-24T22:35:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=29531"},"modified":"2015-07-24T20:35:59","modified_gmt":"2015-07-25T00:35:59","slug":"will-and-surrender-how-yoga-led-me-to-motherhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/pt-pt\/journal\/will-and-surrender-how-yoga-led-me-to-motherhood\/","title":{"rendered":"Will and Surrender: How Yoga Led Me to Motherhood"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cWhy do you hold yourself back?\u201d my teacher Jill asks one day when I\u2019m in Triangle pose.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d I say. In the six months I\u2019ve been practicing, I feel I\u2019ve grown so much. I\u2019m not holding back at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re collapsing<\/a>\u00a0in the pose,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019ll show you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She steps her feet apart, takes a breath, extends her arms, shifts her hips. She leans out over her front leg, places one hand down on the ground, then draws the other up into the air.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you see it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her alignment is spot-on. Spine straight, fingers spread, with her gaze\u2014dristhi\u2014<\/em>up toward the ceiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt looks perfect,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs energy moving? Do I look alive?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I say, doubtful. \u201cMaybe not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight,\u201d she says, deepening her breath. \u201cLook down.\u201d<\/p>\n

She\u2019s pressing the outer edges of her feet into the earth.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her fingertips radiate like the rays of a sun. She draws her arm behind to open her heart. The entire pose lights up.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you see the difference? The first was doing <\/em>the pose. The second is being <\/em>it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI get it!\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou try. Engage your muscles, but relax,\u201d she coaches.<\/p>\n

I take the pose, but don\u2019t know how to find those actions in myself. And I\u2019m confused. I love the fact that my yoga practice is the one place I don\u2019t have to try so hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought yoga was about surrender. Not pushing harder.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not talking about pushing. I want you to awaken your potential.\u201d<\/p>\n

I wonder how to do this. I get the answer when we practice handstand against the wall. I try to kick up, but fall down each time.<\/p>\n

Others kick up effortlessly. Some balance in the middle of the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy aren\u2019t you helping me?\u201d I ask Jill, frustrated.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m letting you work it out. Just keep at it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I kick up a few more times, only to land on the ground with an ungraceful thud.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne day, you\u2019ll lift yourself up,\u201d she says. \u201cYou keep thinking yoga is the pose, but it\u2019s the process.\u201d<\/p>\n

I know that yoga is a balance of will and surrender, but knowing it and embodying<\/em> it are two different things. I\u2019m grateful when we come down to rest.<\/p>\n

My Body, My Biography<\/h3>\n

\u201cOur biography becomes our biology,\u201d Jill explains as we rest in child\u2019s pose. \u201cEvents we haven\u2019t reconciled are carried on a cellular level. The body remembers. What stories do you tell about yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

My story is that I\u2019m \u201cstuck.\u201d I\u2019ve been trying to have a child for years. I want to let go, but I keep hearing his voice calling me, so I keep trying to find him.<\/p>\n

What are the stories I tell about myself? The fact that I can actually see my life as a story feels significant. But I\u2019m tired of my story. During Sun Salutations, a poem arises:<\/p>\n

She is tired of suffering.
\n<\/em>She is tired of telling her story. She\u2019s survived.
\n<\/em>Now she just wants to live.
\n<\/em>She knows that Midas died broken and weak.
\n<\/em>She knows you can\u2019t live on gold.
\n<\/em>All she wants to do is touch the sun.<\/em><\/p>\n

From the Heart<\/h3>\n

Years later, I leave California and move to Japan, where I open a yoga studio. I try to guide students the way Jill guided me. I say: Process is everything. My handstand is proof.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m still struggling with starting a family. So when Dietmar the psychic comes to Tokyo, I go to see him. Seven years ago, he\u2019d first asked about my son. We talk about the yoga studio, my decade-long marriage. Then he gets serious.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, where\u2019s your child?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I sigh.<\/p>\n

He looks me over. \u201cYou\u2019re clean and clear. Your child should be here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Should? Wasn\u2019t that presuming a lot?<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve done so much work. It\u2019s not like you not to pursue something. Why haven\u2019t you gone after this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have,\u201d I say. \u201cI thought instead of striving, I could surrender and trust.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s that been working for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike shit,\u201d I acknowledge as the tears come down.<\/p>\n

\u201cRight,\u201d he laughs. \u201cI\u2019ve seen this child around you for years. I see that you have gone deep, released the pain. You have to get rid of this almost biblical condemnation of yourself as a barren woman, cast out into the desert.\u201d<\/p>\n

I bristle at this comment. \u201cI don\u2019t consider myself a barren woman,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. Then prove it,\u201d he challenges me. \u201cThink of so many women who give birth, but have no real heart connection to their children. It\u2019s not always about giving birth from the body.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nod, urging him on.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I am saying is that this child is not going to come from your womb. But it will come from your heart. Which is more important?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t stand to get my hopes up again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRelease your conditioning,\u201d he says, handing me a tissue. \u201cYour child is coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

I bawl like a blubbering wreck.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe will come. And he will be a beautiful child,\u201d he repeats.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to believe you, but I\u2019ve tried, and…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll need to fight for this one. You\u2019ll need to fight for it, tooth and nail.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBig surprise,\u201d I say. \u201cStory of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo what!\u201d he says, waving his hand. \u201cYou\u2019re a warrior. Of course that\u2019s the path you\u2019re going to walk on. Stop being a victim!\u201d<\/p>\n

I bristle again, but only because he\u2019s struck another chord.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee the magic around you. Wake up. Take the reins!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, okay,\u201d I say, encouraged. His enthusiasm is contagious. And maybe, just maybe, he really does see something.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. Now go out and find that child.\u201d<\/p>\n

If my yoga has taught me anything, it is to find the balance of will and surrender. At 44, the time has come to put it into practice. We apply to adopt in Japan. The odds are slim, but we make a promise to keep our heads above water and our hearts above despair. And I listen for the voice of the child I\u2019ve heard for years. It hasn\u2019t called me in a while.<\/p>\n

I go to my mat, take my arms over head, gather in the light of the sun, bringing in prana and hope. I find power in Warrior pose, stillness in Half-Moon. I open my heart in backbends, then twist. I invert to turn the world upside down. I lie down in Corpse pose. How deeply can I let go? I feel the contours of my body start to dissolve. There is no body, only a shimmering field of energy. I ride its waves.<\/p>\n

When I sit down to meditate I know what to do.<\/p>\n

This time, instead of waiting for my child\u2019s voice to come to me<\/em>, I speak directly to my child.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold on,\u201d I say, \u201cWe\u2019re coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

Photo by Neil Gandhi\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

\"leza-lowitz\"Leza Lowitz\u00a0is a yoga studio owner and multi-genre author of 18\u00a0books. Her memoir about her journey to motherhood over two oceans, two decades, and two thousand yoga poses, <\/em>Here Comes the Sun: A Journey to Adoption in 8 Chakras<\/a>, has just been released from Stone Bridge Press and was an Amazon #1 best-seller in its category on its release date.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lowitz\u2019s books <\/em>Yoga Poems: Lines to Unfold By and <\/em>Jet Black & The Ninja Wind (co-written with her husband Shogo Oketani) are also amazon best-sellers. Her work has also appeared in <\/em>The\u00a0New York Times, Yoga Journal, Yoga International, Yoga Journal Japan, Shambhala Sun, Best Buddhist Writing, The Huffington Post, and<\/em> The Japan Times.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For years, I heard the voice of my child calling to me. But it wasn\u2019t until I let go of the idea of him coming from my womb that he actually came into my life\u2014from my heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1287,"featured_media":29537,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1057],"tags":[1111,1198,1199,160,912,1197,51],"class_list":["post-29531","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-wisdom","tag-family","tag-fertility","tag-infertility","tag-motherhood","tag-relationships","tag-surrender","tag-yoga-practice"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWill and Surrender: How Yoga Led Me to Motherhood<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"For years, I heard the voice of my child calling to me. 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