I had given it to someone who did not deserve it; someone who didn\u2019t see it for what it was. Didn\u2019t see me for what I was. Someone who decided my heart was as unworthy as I was, and both of us deserved to be treated like something less than human, something undeserving of love, affection, or respect.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve written about this before, and, unfortunately, it\u2019s not a new story.<\/p>\n
Abuse doesn\u2019t always mean getting physically battered. Sometimes words leave the deepest, most enduring scars.<\/p>\n
And boy, did he scar me.<\/p>\n
After a classic \u201choneymoon\u201d period of two months, the perfect man I\u2019d fallen head over heels for began to change. Slowly. Subtly. He began picking on me, criticizing my thoughts and actions, dissecting every little<\/em> thing<\/em> I said, poking holes in my beliefs, in my occupation.<\/p>\n In my yoga practice<\/a>.<\/p>\n He would explode into raging temper tantrums if he didn\u2019t like what I said or what I did, or how I said and did it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re<\/em> crazy. Fucking insane. We have so many conversations about it, Kristin\u2014you\u2019re just delusional.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n We did often discuss how delusional I was. How crazy. How completely, utterly out of touch with reality. How right he was\u2014not just right. Sublime<\/em> in his thinking, his reasoning.<\/p>\n He was always right\u2014always intellectually honest\u2014<\/em>and I was always irrational.<\/p>\n Looking back, I feel ashamed. Not because I went through it\u2014millions of women and men go through similar situations every year\u2014but because my self-worth<\/a> was so low at this point in my life that I thought this was OK.<\/p>\n OK? It was justified<\/em>.<\/p>\n It was being in a grown-up relationship. It was the best I was ever going to do, so I had better shape up and listen to him.<\/p>\n For the better part of the next year, I tiptoed on eggshells, trying to get the perfect, loving man I first knew back, while he continued to increasingly degrade and shame me. This form of abuse is called gaslighting <\/em>or ambient abuse: <\/em>a process in which false information is presented in a manner to cause the target to doubt their memory or perception.<\/p>\n Delusional, indeed.<\/p>\n Examples of gaslighting include the perpetrator\/abuser saying things like:<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re crazy\u2014that never happened.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou never remember things right.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all in your head.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n When a partner (or anyone, actually) starts saying things that make you question your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, they are\u2014knowingly or not\u2014engaging in gaslighting.<\/p>\n The term gaslighting<\/em> comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light<\/em>. In the play, the husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming their gas lights and denying that the light has changed when his wife pointed it out, making her question her reality and sanity.<\/p>\n This form of abuse obviously gives the abuser a lot of power: What better way to control someone than by making them question their very instincts, their own brain?<\/p>\n As this pattern continues, the victim becomes less and less likely to leave the relationship, believing themselves to be less than sane and lucky<\/em> to have someone to put up with their craziness.<\/p>\n Which the abuser never fails to remind them of.<\/p>\n From the National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a>, the following are types of ambient abuse\/gaslighting:<\/p>\n Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Example: \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear this again,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re trying to confuse me.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim<\/em>\u2019s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex: \u201cYou\u2019re wrong, you never remember things correctly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Blocking\/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and\/or questions the victim<\/em>\u2019s thoughts. Ex: \u201cIs that another crazy idea you got from [friend\/family member]?\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re imagining things.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim<\/em>\u2019s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex: \u201cYou\u2019re going to get angry over a little thing like that?\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re too sensitive.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Forgetting\/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex: <\/em>\u201cI don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re just making stuff up.\u201d\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Most of the time, gaslighting\/ambient abuse happens very gradually in a relationship, so that the abuser can gain control of and manipulate the victim<\/em>\u2019s feelings. The abuser\u2019s comments and actions may seem completely harmless at first, especially since it\u2019s common for abusers to be overly charming in the beginning of a relationship. These abusive patterns continue and intensify as the relationship progresses, and if the victim can\u2019t see what\u2019s happening they can \u201cbecome confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n It can take years to break out of this cycle, and longer still to fully recognize that you are capable, competent, and trustworthy. And why not? However long it was, someone spent a significant amount of time breaking down your belief in yourself.<\/p>\n According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:<\/p>\n Is there another way to so thoughtlessly, so carelessly, and so cruelly, to de-legitimize and devalue another person’s feelings and experience?<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know if there is, but I do know what I went through. It\u2019s taken years to get his voice out of my head: the self-doubt, the shame, the powerlessness. Thinking that I don\u2019t deserve to have<\/em> a story because he deemed me worthless and crazy, an insane bitch that tried to ruin his life.<\/p>\n None of those things were ever true; but it took me ten more months to stop listening to him. Countless more months trying to forget him.<\/p>\n Why did it take so long?<\/p>\n Because he kept promising to change. To stop drinking so much. To treat me better.<\/p>\n The best gift I\u2019ve ever given myself was when I realized those were all lies.<\/p>\n He wasn\u2019t going to change. He was an alcoholic. He was always going to debase me.<\/p>\n When I think about why I stayed, it\u2019s because I felt special: I felt like someone special had chosen me, and therefore, I was someone special, too.<\/p>\n It took me months of realizing that good, or special, people don\u2019t keep others down in order to build themselves up. They don\u2019t belittle or shame others so that they feel bigger or more important. They don\u2019t manipulate situations or people with lies and emotions.<\/p>\n And they don\u2019t make people feel unsafe, unloved, or unworthy.<\/p>\n Was I blameless in the story? No, of course not. I\u2019m a human, and I didn\u2019t always play nice.<\/p>\n But I never played abusive.<\/p>\n I never played malicious.<\/p>\n I wanted it to work. I thought he was The One.<\/p>\n The best gift I give myself every day? Realizing I\u2019m \u201cThe One.\u201d I\u2019m the One I was looking for. The one I wanted, badly, to see in him.<\/p>\n My gifts are realizing I\u2019m enough<\/a>. I\u2019m worthy. My voice matters.<\/p>\n My gift to you? Hoping you realize that you are your \u201cOne\u201d too.<\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n
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