{"id":35395,"date":"2015-10-22T18:51:26","date_gmt":"2015-10-22T22:51:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=35395"},"modified":"2015-10-22T18:51:26","modified_gmt":"2015-10-22T22:51:26","slug":"why-its-hard-to-say-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/ja\/journal\/why-its-hard-to-say-no\/","title":{"rendered":"Why It’s Hard to Say No"},"content":{"rendered":"

This piece is from our partners\u00a0at Sonima. Find more like it\u00a0here<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2022\u2022\u2022<\/p>\n

In life, no matter how autonomous or independent one is, relationships are a central part of our self-concept. Newborns, for example, typically recognize their caregiver\u2019s faces at two months, but will not recognize their own reflection until much later. We grasp the presence of other before we grasp the notion of self. Then, almost immediately, we learn how to jockey for the affection of others. In ways both dramatic and mundane, we learn how to bend our authentic selves to stay in relationships<\/a> with other people. One of the smallest ways we do this is by avoiding tough conversations and saying yes when we should probably say no.<\/p>\n

One reason it can be so hard to break from this tendency can be explained by the idea of negativity bias, or the tendency for the negative motivational system to respond more intensely than the positive motivational system. The founders of social neuroscience, John T. Cacioppo, Ph.D., and Gary Berntson, Ph.D., study the various ways our social interactions are processed biologically. In a 1998 study on negativity bias, Cacioppo showed participants pictures that were arguably negative (mutilated faces), positive (a luxury sports car), and neutral (household appliances). He discovered that the brain<\/a> responds more strongly to negative feedback and stimuli. In fact, negative information is processed in a different part of the brain with a stronger electrical charge. This natural inclination for negative information to resonate more strongly points to lots of occurrences in our everyday lives including: why bad news goes viral, why we tend to hold our tongues and avoid confrontation, and why many of us have a hard time saying no. In short, our desire to avoid saying no and giving negative feedback could be because we know, both emotionally and neurologically, negative feedback hurts.<\/p>\n

Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a researcher of self and identity and a professor of social psychology at Florida State University, provides an exhaustive exploration of how this negativity bias effects our interactions. In an article, \u201cBad is Stronger than Good,\u201d he writes, \u201cIn everyday life, bad events have stronger and more lasting consequences than comparable good events. Close relationships are more deeply and conclusively affected by destructive actions than by constructive ones, by negative communications than positive ones, and by conflict than harmony \u2026 Even outside of close relationships, unfriendly or conflictual interactions are seen as stronger and have bigger effects than friendly, harmonious ones. Bad moods and negative emotions<\/a> have stronger effects than good ones on cognitive processing, and the bulk of affect regulation efforts is directed at escaping from bad moods (e.g., as opposed to entering or prolonging good moods).\u201d<\/p>\n

Even in the face of our own neurological bias, we can\u2019t let our brain\u2019s desire to perceive things negatively govern all of our decisions. \u201cIt\u2019s in our best interest, if we are walking along a trail, for our brains to perceive the stick as a snake. This helps us avoid potentially dangerous situations,\u201d says Rebecca Gladding, M.D., author of You Are Not Your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Negativity bias developed as a defense mechanism, Gladding explains, and our brains\u2019 habit of processing negative stimuli so strongly is actually a clever evolutionary function\u2014a way to help us perceive and avoid danger. However, we must work to keep things in perspective. Saying no to a loved one isn\u2019t a dangerous proposition. Rejecting an offer, or providing feedback that our loved one might perceive as less flattering won\u2019t kill them (or us). However we don\u2019t often make that distinction. We generally avoid discomfort and danger, with the same fervor, whether it is real or imagined.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re going to have initial reactions,\u201d Gladding says. \u201cBut we can stop and remind ourselves [that] that\u2019s just our brain.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meditation<\/a> is one of the most effective ways to interrupt our brain\u2019s feedback loop.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt the clinical level, meditation is meant to enhance awareness,\u201d Gladding says. \u201cThe goal is to build that muscle so that we can use our increased awareness in our daily lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

In an article called, \u201cThis is Your Brain on Meditation,\u201d Gladding breaks down how mediation helps rewire the brain and enhance our awareness. She writes:<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you were to look at people\u2019s brains before they began a meditation practice, you would likely see strong\u00a0neural<\/a>\u00a0connections\u00a0within<\/em>\u00a0the Me Center [medial prefrontal cortex] and\u00a0between<\/em>\u00a0the Me Center [Ventromedial medial prefrontal cortex and Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex] and the bodily sensation\/fear centers of the brain. This means that whenever you feel anxious, scared, or have a sensation in your body (e.g., a tingling, pain, itching, whatever), you are far more likely to assume that there is a problem (related to you or your safety) \u2026 In contrast, if you meditate on a regular basis, several positive things happen. First, the strong, tightly held connection between the Me Center (specifically the unhelpful vmPFC) and the bodily sensation\/fear centers begins to break down. As this connection withers, you will no longer assume that a bodily sensation or momentary feeling of fear means something is wrong with you or that you are the problem!\u201d<\/p>\n

Through regular mindfulness meditation practice, we become less self-centered and our inclination to catastrophize events decreases. As we minimize our internal narratives about what\u2019s happening, we are more likely to assess situations more clearly, and communicate our needs more effectively. We understand that having more authentic and honest conversations with the people in our lives isn\u2019t an overwhelmingly dire situation. As we learn that the world revolves without us, we become free to share and express our needs and feelings.<\/p>\n

Our success with this, however, also hinges on the people that we\u2019re interacting with<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cSaying no, and giving negative feedback are two very different things \u2026 but both come down to how safe a person feels, \u201c Gladding says. \u201cThe more you have relationships with people who value your feelings, the more comfortable you will feel sharing.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, assuming that we\u2019re regular meditators, and we have emotionally mature relationships, how can we feel safe enough to pass on the invitation to our best friend\u2019s birthday party? How can we feel comfortable enough in our relationship to tell our boss that we really don\u2019t like when he calls us \u201csweetie\u201d during meetings? How can we set boundaries for ourselves in ways that other people can hear them?<\/p>\n

\u201cThe way we say things matters,\u201d Gladding says.<\/p>\n

While it may seem easiest to blurt our feelings simply and quickly, consider when and how the person you\u2019re looking to communicate with will perceive your feedback. If you\u2019re saying no, choose a time and space where the person will be most receptive (not after they\u2019ve just worked a double shift at the hospital). It\u2019s also important to recognize that what you perceive as negative feedback, isn\u2019t inherently negative.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019re telling someone something that is factual, that\u2019s not negative feedback,\u201d Gladding says. \u201cIf you have the expectation of change based on your feedback, that\u2019s generally where the problem occurs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is another place where meditation comes in,\u201d Gladding adds. \u201cWe can recognize when we have an expectation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ultimately a relationship is a two-way street, and part of being able to say no and communicate unfavorable feedback, is also being able to hear it.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee any feedback as a gift,\u201d Gladding says. \u201cAnd when you feel yourself bracing or reacting to negative feedback, try to be inquisitive. Often it\u2019s just miscommunication.\u201dShe adds, \u201cThinking about all of the great Buddhist teachings communicate: See everyone as a teacher. Everyone is my teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n

That said, Gladding also cautions us to keep feedback in perspective. Though everyone is our teacher, we are well within our right to challenge our teachers.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe majority of other people\u2019s behaviors have nothing to do with you,\u201d she says. \u201cMake sure you put all feedback in context, and consider debriefing with someone you trust.\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the greatest paradoxes of relationships is that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say no. Sometimes, the best way to support someone we care about is to tell them a potentially uncomfortable truth. Often, when we set boundaries, affirm our own intentions<\/a>, stick to our guns, or tell our truth, we inadvertently free those we love the most to make more informed and honest decisions. The theologian Tim Keller writes, \u201cTo be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.\u201d<\/p>\n

When we learn to hold the people in our lives accountable and allow them the same freedoms with us, we open ourselves up to true union, and we create a safe place for our truest nature to reside.<\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This story was originally published on Sonima.com. If you enjoyed this story, check out these other articles:<\/em><\/p>\n

How to Find Awe in the Ordinary<\/a>
\nThe Pitfalls of Pursuing Your Purpose<\/a>
\nOpening Yourself to the Serendipity of Chance<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"sonima-logo\"<\/a>Sonima.com<\/a>\u00a0is a new wellness website dedicated to helping people improve their lives through yoga, workouts, guided meditations, healthy recipes, pain prevention techniques, and life advice. Our balanced approach to wellness integrates traditional wisdom and modern insights to support vibrant and meaningful living.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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