{"id":37890,"date":"2015-11-20T00:39:16","date_gmt":"2015-11-20T05:39:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=37890"},"modified":"2015-11-20T00:39:16","modified_gmt":"2015-11-20T05:39:16","slug":"are-you-talking-too-much-in-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/it\/journal\/are-you-talking-too-much-in-your-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Talking Too Much in Your Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"

This piece is from our partners\u00a0at Sonima. Find more like it\u00a0here<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

It\u2019s easy to assume that the reason you\u2019re fighting may be due to a simple miscommunication. So what do you do? You spell it out, explaining exactly what you want and need and where it went wrong (i.e., I need you to stop spending money in that way). Still, sometimes the message can appear unreceived, which can be very frustrating for both parties and lead to more arguments<\/a> where you continue to clobber each other over the head with loud, clear, verbal demands. The more you say what\u2019s not working and should change, the closer you are to fixing it, right?<\/p>\n

Not necessarily.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople tend to believe that relationship problems are due to communication problems. And if you can improve your communication, you will do better at your relationship. But what people don\u2019t understand is that your partner is<\/em> hearing exactly what you\u2019re saying. They just have no interest in hearing it anymore<\/em>,\u201d says Canadian family and relationship therapist Avrum Nadigel, author of the new book Learning to Commit<\/a><\/em>. Harsh as that sounds, it\u2019s important to understand before you end up going radio silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen people stop communicating that\u2019s because they\u2019ve been trying to ram a message down their partner\u2019s throat or ear that he\/she is simply shutting down to. Counter-intuitively, the worst thing I can do as a therapist is to suggest to the partner who is shutting down, \u2018You need to listen.\u2019 They know full-well what\u2019s being said. The communication they are sending back is, \u2018I\u2019m not interested in hearing it.\u2019 So it\u2019s not a matter of listening or empathy or finding better words,\u201d Nadigel advises. \u201cPeople get emotionally drained when they get to a point of silence or ignoring each other\u2014and it has little to do with communication skills.\u201d<\/p>\n

In other words (surprise!), more<\/em> communication is not the solution to miscommunication. Before you throw your hands up in defeat, hear Nadigel out. Below, he breaks down ways to improve your odds of getting (and feeling) heard and getting what you truly, deeply want.<\/p>\n

Find out why you\u2019re so focused on your partner.<\/h3>\n

\u201cA lot of people walk into a relationship with the idea that if you love me<\/a>, you will do as I say or give me what I\u2019m asking for. It\u2019s an immature understanding of what love is,\u201d Nadigel says. If this sounds familiar, he suggests asking yourself this important question, ‘What if my partner can\u2019t give me what I want?’<\/em> If your first thought is \u2018We need to break up,\u2019 that\u2019s fine if the relationship is new. But if you have invested two years of your life into this person or longer and now have kids and a mortgage, dropping everything may not be an option.<\/p>\n

To this, Nadigel recommends to look within at what you\u2019re lacking rather than what your partner isn\u2019t giving you. \u201cWhat is it that you need and want\u2026 And can you give it to yourself?\u201d he asks. \u201cPeople don\u2019t believe that they can give to themselves what they have been asking their partner to give for the last five, 10, 15 years\u2014whether it\u2019s financial support, emotional support, whatever the case may be. We put so much pressure on the relationship to fulfill all of our needs and it\u2019s impossible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Know the first rule in demanding respect.<\/h3>\n

Ever found yourself in public, such as the street or mall, screaming at a loved one? If yes, it\u2019s time to take a step back and re-evaluate. \u201cMore often than not, I find that partners (as well as parents of teenagers) who say, \u2018If you loved me, you\u2019d respect me,\u2019 may not be conducting themselves in a way that garners the respect they seek. It\u2019s hard to get from others what you can\u2019t give to yourself,\u201d Nadigel says.<\/p>\n

Determine if the problem stems from anxiety.<\/h3>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019re the type of person who has trouble expressing yourself, your default mechanism might be withdrawal. And so withdrawal might be an anxious response to a partner who wants to speak,\u201d Nadigel says. Conversely, there are some people who deal with anxiety<\/a> by constantly externalizing how they feel. It helps them calm down. \u201cPeople who tend to externalize marry people who tend to internalize,\u201d he says. \u201cTwo externalizers would never work because by the fourth date there would be no room for the other to go on and on. So we tend to meet people who are similar in terms of emotional maturity but handle emotions with opposite defense mechanisms. That\u2019s why the extrovert usually marries the introvert,\u201d he explains.<\/p>\n

Take your pulse.<\/h3>\n

One way to gauge if a difficult conversation is going well is to check your heart rate, suggests Nadigel, taking a page from famous marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D.\u2019s philosophy. \u201cHe\u2019s done studies that show if your pulse reaches a certain number (between 85 to 90), you should stop talking because nothing is going to happen. Your biology is saying you\u2019re shutting down and not listening anymore,\u201d Nadigel says. At this point, he adds, it\u2019s a good idea to walk away and lick your wounds, and then come back with a fresh perspective.<\/p>\n

Get quiet.<\/h3>\n

By this point, you may have realized that talking isn\u2019t solving much. In fact, it might be causing more strife. \u201cTo find out what\u2019s the real issue at hand, you\u2019ve got to get quiet, less anxious or worked up, and curious about how did \u2018I\u2019 get here. What\u2019s \u2018my\u2019 part in this?\u2019,\u201d says Nadigel. \u201cIf people can focus more on themselves and how they contribute to the problem [rather than point fingers at their partner], then there\u2019s some wiggle room to expand the repertoire of what you can do here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Curiosity is contagious.<\/h3>\n

The minute you stop focusing on the other person and start looking within for patterns in your own behavior that cultivate the exact environment you don\u2019t want, your partner will start to look inward too and become curious. \u201cOnce you get people doing that now you can start talking,\u201d says Nadigel. \u201cTo get there, you have to refocus the attention away from \u2018if my partner doesn\u2019t change, I have to leave this.\u2019 This doesn\u2019t usually happen in 10 minutes. It takes time to understand what you\u2019ve inherited [from your family] over the last three or four generations and become a bit humble and open to the possibility that you picked a pretty good partner for who you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

This piece was originally written by Cristina Goyanes<\/a> for Sonima.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This story was originally published on Sonima.com. If you enjoyed this story, check out these other articles:\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How to Really, Really Listen<\/a>
\n4 Beautiful Jar Recipes for a Day of Healthy Eating
\n<\/a>A Daily Practice That Can Strengthen Your Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n

\"sonima-logo\"<\/a>Sonima.com<\/a>\u00a0is a new wellness website dedicated to helping people improve their lives through yoga, workouts, guided meditations, healthy recipes, pain prevention techniques, and life advice. Our balanced approach to wellness integrates traditional wisdom and modern insights to support vibrant and meaningful living.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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