{"id":105581,"date":"2018-08-24T13:28:43","date_gmt":"2018-08-24T17:28:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=105581\/"},"modified":"2020-01-14T13:16:50","modified_gmt":"2020-01-14T18:16:50","slug":"would-buddha-have-been-on-tinder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/fr\/journal\/would-buddha-have-been-on-tinder\/","title":{"rendered":"Would Buddha Have Been on Tinder?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Many of us have been there: It\u2019s a Friday evening, and there are no plans on the calendar. It\u2019s been a while since the last significant human touch, and the body is craving intimacy. You pick up your phone and open the dating app of choice\u2014<\/span>it\u2019s just so easy<\/span><\/i>. But is it possible to mindfully hook up? Can this easy world of manufactured intimacy actually lead to intentional and purposeful relationships? According to Human Connection Specialist and coach Mark Groves<\/a>, they absolutely can\u2014but it\u2019s complicated.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s get the debate about one-night-stands out of the way right off the bat. Mark thinks that you can of course sleep with someone after just meeting them and be in your integrity\u2014as long as it\u2019s your integrity. \u201cThe challenge with it is that most people that are seeking that kind of thing are disconnecting from themselves emotionally to do it,\u201d says Mark. \u201cOr they’re using sex as a way of getting love and affirmation but really, they’re afraid of true intimacy.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

To boot, says Mark, the science doesn\u2019t favor one-night stands. When we have sex, oxytocin is released\u2014the so-called \u201clove hormone.\u201d (It\u2019s the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding.) The hormone stays in male and female systems differently. Testosterone shortens the half-life of the hormone, meaning that it only stays in a man\u2019s system for a few days; for women, it can linger for a couple of weeks. <\/span><\/p>\n

As such, Mark questions whether sex is ever really just sex\u2026 but it can certainly be a mutually beneficial short-term experience, provided that both partners are on the same page. \u201cI think it takes a lot of mindful communication and a lot of honesty, but it also takes managing the person’s expectations and their feelings, and having a dialogue about that,\u201d he says. <\/span><\/p>\n

Managing Expectations\u2014Especially Your Own<\/h3>\n

Just as being honest with yourself around your feelings and expectations about one-night-stands is crucial if you\u2019re going to find enjoyment and fulfillment in them, these kinds of evaluations are also essential regarding how you feel about relationships in general. If you\u2019re not looking for a relationship, don\u2019t pretend that you are. \u201cI think we often represent what will get the most right swipes,\u201d says Mark. \u201cAnd then when they fall in love with us and we have the coffee, then we\u2019ll tell them the truth.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Bottom line\u2014even though they\u2019re easy, and seemingly a dime a dozen, a simple right swipe isn\u2019t \u201cjust\u201d a swipe, or just a date. \u201cIf you\u2019re living at your high level of integrity and your value systems, I always ask people what are actually swiping right to?\u201d Mark<\/a> believes that every decision in life is a choice\u2014it\u2019s never just a Thursday night or just coffee. \u201cEverything you choose you\u2019re making a choice that could be something else. So, when we settle, or misrepresent ourselves, you\u2019re saying you\u2019re not worthy of what you actually want.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes this can manifest on an energetic level, even subconsciously. People often complain to him that they only meet jerks online. His answer? It\u2019s got to be something they\u2019re doing subconsciously. We all get the same pool of people, he says\u2014\u201cit\u2019s not like other people get the nice guy or girl pool and you get the a**hole pool. You\u2019re doing something different.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

There are hidden lessons in that, silver linings of what we get out of using these kinds of tools and technology. \u201cOnline dating is actually discovering what we are subconsciously drawn toward,\u201d says Mark. \u201cWhat\u2019s powerful about apps is that they actually allow you an opportunity. Like any tool, I can give you a hammer and you can build a house, or you could kill someone. It\u2019s the same using the app. Do you use it to participate in relational dysfunction?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
Photo by Jason Briscoe<\/div><\/div>\n

Are Dating Apps the Problem?<\/h3>\n

As easy as it is to blame a bleak dating scene on the rise of technologies that may allow us to represent ourselves inauthentically, unhealthy relationships are hardly a consequence of dating apps. \u201cOur model of relationship is codependency<\/a>,\u201d says Mark. \u201cPatriarchy is codependency.\u201d The patriarchy model dictates that a man\u2014the protector\u2014must give up his dreams and desires to get a job, work, and provide for his family. A woman\u2014the caretaker\u2014must give up her dreams and desires to raise the family and take care of the man. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo in a lot of ways,\u201d Mark says, \u201cavoiding who you are, not honoring who you are, and ignoring what you truly what\u2014that\u2019s the normal relationship. Until there\u2019s a rebellion, which you see happening a lot right now. The divorce rate is skyrocketing for people in their 60s and 70s.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

With this as our collective understanding of romantic dynamics, Mark ultimately thinks that the way we use dating apps isn\u2019t so significantly different than the way we\u2019ve dated forever. \u201cHow you date online is just going to be a magnifying glass to how you date normally<\/a>,\u201d he says. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Additionally here are some significant benefits of dating apps, that Mark says are helping to open up new relational opportunities. The increase in the number of interracial relationships is foremost among them. Dating apps can expose us to people we may not otherwise meet. This not only gives us more racial diversity in our dating pool, but also expands the experiential backgrounds of the people we meet. This can only help to create a more inclusive, diverse world. <\/span><\/p>\n

All in all: It\u2019s not the tools. It\u2019s the way that we use them. That\u2019s a relationship we can all work on.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

\"\"Lisette Cheresson<\/a>\u00a0is a writer, storyteller, yoga teacher, and adventuress\u00a0who is an avid vagabond, homechef, dirt-collector, and dreamer.\u00a0<\/em>When she\u2019s not playing with words, it\u2019s a safe bet that she\u2019s either hopping a plane, dancing, cooking, or hiking. She received her Level II Reiki Attunement and attended a 4-day intensive discourse with the Dalai Lama in India, and received her RYT200 in Brooklyn.\u00a0<\/span>She has served as Director of Content at Wanderlust and is co-author of The Yoga Almanac<\/a> . You can find her on Instagram @lisetteileen<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Human Connection Specialist and frequent Wanderlust teacher, Mark Groves, explains how to use dating apps mindfully. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2881,"featured_media":105584,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3189],"tags":[2659,3050,912,63,1069,3098],"class_list":["post-105581","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-reach","tag-dating","tag-mark-groves","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-technology","tag-wellspring"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMark Groves: Would Buddha Have Been on Tinder?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Human Connection Specialist and frequent Wanderlust teacher, Mark Groves, explains how to use dating apps mindfully.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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