{"id":100106,"date":"2018-05-21T12:09:54","date_gmt":"2018-05-21T16:09:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/?p=100106\/"},"modified":"2019-04-19T20:23:05","modified_gmt":"2019-04-20T00:23:05","slug":"mindfulness-masturbation-metoo-sexuality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wanderlust.com\/es\/journal\/mindfulness-masturbation-metoo-sexuality\/","title":{"rendered":"Mindfulness, Masturbation, and #MeToo: Owning Your Sexuality in 2018"},"content":{"rendered":"

There was a book when I was younger called “The Care and Keeping of You.”<\/a> It was by the American Girl Doll Company and featured a drawing of three preteen girls in towels and smiling at the equally preteen reader. It was simultaneously approachable and adorable\u2014exactly the sort of thing a 12-year-old wants when she’s freaking out about her first period.<\/p>\n

I ravished this book. Well, I ravished any sort of sex education. I was equally as curious as I was awkward, and had no idea how to separate fact and fiction. (I was one of those girls who was afraid you could get pregnant in hot tub.) This curiosity, combined with the beginnings of internet, made me a sponge for any sex-related information.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, “The Care and Keeping of You” would remain one of the most honest and female-focused pieces of sex-related nonfiction I’d read for a long time. For many of us, sex education consisted of half-baked health classes and Cosmo<\/em> magazine, the former a bit confusing and the latter listing off 102 ways to please your man. It wasn’t until recently that I finally got sick of awkward and confusing sex, and thus decide to reopen the door to my body.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As part of this sexual reawakening, I spoke to Emily Morse,<\/a> a sex therapist, educator,\u00a0 and host of the celebrated \u201cSex With Emily\u201d podcast. Emily, who started out as a documentary filmmaker, was always intrigued with human sexuality and identity, and eventually shifted her media skills into this pertinent topic. When she started \u201cSex With Emily,” she was amazed (well, maybe not so much) with how many people desperately wanted to talk about sex. I was amazed that she had a literal closet full of dildos.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re so secretive about sex,\u201d Emily tells me, standing proudly in front of her closet. \u201cI just wanted to create a platform where we can talk about it freely.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Changing misconceptions<\/h3>\n

All of this secrecy surrounding sex has led to a plethora of misconceptions. Which is understandable\u2014if we garnered our entire sexual perspective from magazines and porn, we\u2019re going to be pretty confused as to why things don\u2019t look or feel a certain way. According to Emily, common misconceptions include the idea that there’s a “right” way to orgasm, that sex should be effortless, or that our bodies should look a certain way. As a woman who had gotten into the habit of sucking her stomach in during intercourse, this resonated.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s very little \u2018supposed to\u2019 in sex,\u201d Emily says. Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions, Emily stresses, is that good sex doesn\u2019t require work\u2014that we\u2019re supposed to automatically be rockstars in bed. Emily insists that this is so<\/em> not true. Even with the seemingly perfect partner, good sex often takes effort and communication.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe’re going to work hard at everything that matters in our lives. Whether that’s health or spirituality or our jobs… Why shouldn\u2019t sex be the same way?\u201d She asks. \u201cSex isn\u2019t all unicorns and magic. You\u2019re going to have to work at it. It\u2019s going to change over the course of your life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Many of these misconceptions have risen because we haven’t made sexual communication a priority. Why? Even in today’s times, there\u2019s still a stigma associated with sex and women\u2014this same stigma is what causes the infamous and fully annoying\u00a0\u00a0\u201cslut-shaming.<\/a>\u201d Women are more inclined to be ridiculed when it comes to sex, having their desires and longings shamed rather than celebrated. Masturbation is a dirty word, something we\u2019re often scared to do or admit we do.\u00a0<\/span>We also might be afraid of disappointing our partners or feel embarrassed when it comes to communicating our needs and urges. Even with the most loving of partners, I’ve sometimes feared uttering,\u00a0 “Uh, can you be a little gentler, please?”<\/p>\n

Kayla, 29, explained a similar dilemma with her boyfriend.<\/p>\n

“I consider myself a feminist and sex-positive,” she explains. “And yet it can still feel weird to have to have to explain that he could be doing it better. It takes away from the mood, it hurts his ego.” She pauses. “But then I guess I’m putting his pleasure above my own.”<\/p>\n

Emily believes that starting a dialogue is the first way to instigate a positive shift in the noteworthy “orgasm gap.<\/a>” The #MeToo movement illustrated the nauseating entitlement that men have felt over women\u2019s bodies, and we\u2019re sick of it. We’re ready to ask for what we want and say no to what we don’t.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWomen are stepping into their own power<\/a>,\u201d Emily says. \u201cGrowing up, it was habitual to defer towards men. We grow up in a world where men are often the ones in charge\u2014the policemen, the fireman, and the politicians. Now we\u2019re realizing that women can be and are in power too. We\u2019re getting our power back.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“We empower ourselves. When we participate in negative self-talk or judge our own bodies and habits, we\u2019re giving away our power.”<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Curious, but don\u2019t know where to begin? Don’t worry, I took notes. Below are some of Emily’s essential tips for sexual self-care.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Get to know yourself.<\/h3>\n

Masturbation is key to getting to know your body. It doesn\u2019t need to be complicated or intimidating, and it can begin with something as simple as breathwork.\u00a0<\/span> From Emily\u2019s blog<\/span><\/a>, \u201cStart by prioritizing your pleasure, and set aside some time in your busy day that\u2019s just for you. Find a space in your home where no one will bother you, lock the door, and put that phone on airplane mode.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Go with the flow and do what feels good to you. Remember that there is no \u201csupposed to\u201d and that your body is entirely yours. Leave judgment at the door.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Educate and communicate.<\/b><\/h3>\n

There are dozens of resources that open the doors for sexual self-care. You can read blogs, listen to podcasts, check out workshops, or ask your yoga studios to consider a tantra<\/a> workshop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once you learn what you like or what it is you\u2019d like try, communicate with your partner. \u201cCommunication is lubrication,\u201d Emily stresses. If he or she is a good match, your sexual pleasure will be a priority. We want our partners to feel good! Having one awkward conversation will open the door to a positive and uplifting dialogue that makes you both feel like rockstars.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n